you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
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I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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