Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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