New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
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No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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