All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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