Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
