a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
