I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
