Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
