I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I seem to have left my pride at pride
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
