My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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