Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
