FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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