That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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