I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
