I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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