and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
