I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Randomize
