My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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