If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
