I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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