I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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