you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm both gender and math confused
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
