Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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