1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
