he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
