It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
