My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
