So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
