Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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