I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
