Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
