If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
