I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
