Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
