You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
