im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
