i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
