if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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