If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
