But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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