Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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