Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
