I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
