You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
