Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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