Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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