you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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