I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
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Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
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There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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