The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
