You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
