oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
