Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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