There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
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Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
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I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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