That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
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the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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