i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
