i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
