You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
