I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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