so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
