idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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